I don't know where to begin.
I don't know how to get out there, to see you.
I don't know where to dig in.
I don't know how to get in there, to feel you.Well, since I'm the first to get back after church service, I might as well steal some time to come online and blog a quick post. Service isn't too bad, just that it didn't quite make any sense to me since it doesn't apply to me. The only time I felt the atmosphere changed to a love-filled one was when all the couples embraced/kissed. Haha, damn sweet. (:
Okay, next paper- English Paper 1 & 2. Hope to do well and as always, I pray hard there would be inspiration for my essay. I'm keeping faith in my simple manipulating of words, and attempt to conjure up some never seen before words, and hope I hit the jackpot of 24 points. Comprehension wise, I hope don't too badly, but.. I have faith. Nervous, yes. But still, faith over anxiety. :D
Something that I noticed: 3/4 of the class are undergoing secret 'training', all going for emergency tuition, and paying full attention in class these days. I guess if I want to be in front, I need to work twice as hard as I'm working now. Still hope for 15 or less for prelims, and then half of that for O's. Great aspirations, but what I confess is what I get.
I heard of what happened, so if in any case you still come by this place once in a while,
don't get too upset. Maybe you've heard that once too often but yeah, the distance between us now makes it impossible for me to do anything more than saying that. But you know, one failure doesn't mean a lifetime of failure. And anyway, I suppose you didn't do too badly?
You'll clinch first place soon enough, I believe. (:
Cause you don't need nobody to make it on your own,You don't need nobody, you'd rather be alone.Haha, yeah true. There's no need for anyone, loneliness is the best remedy.
I'd say that this week hadn't been the best, but service made up for it. (:
I'm a self-declared fan of Dr. A.R Bernard, a man who I've never heard before prior to sunday. Snuggling back into my seat as I prepared for the usual message of the weekly service, I did not have the slightest hint that I'll be hearing the most impactful message of my life. It's as if he was using my entire life as the example onstage, and slowly covering the little parts of my life, pointing out the small little mistakes that lead to the current state I'm living in. Throughout the entire service, I was struggling to keep up with the pace of his message, which led to a record breaking 7-pages notes. The essence of his words was something that I had never experienced before. And that face, when he looked at the crowd saying, "When I impart my knowledge to you, it's in the hope of you imparting it to others, and others imparting it to the rest of the word." was a face that made the lightings in the hall look dim. He, was a truly special speaker.
The patterns in life was something I had never thought of. The mistake of skipping stages when getting to know someone and developing that relationship was something that I was guilty of. What was equally true was that I had never looked all the way back that it's my mindset and the knowledge that I had that was affecting my self-esteem, and more importantly, my successes and failures. I would not elaborate further, since my life is hugely different compared to many others, but one thing's for sure, that 7-pages are my recently taken up manuel for steering my life the right way.
Studied with Eve, Ethel and another of their friend after service. Finished combinations & permutations as well as linear law. So all I'm left with now is the relative velocity and intergration of velocity. But I'm moving on to physics, and I really hope I don't get too stressed up now. Three more weeks, with english prelims and science practicals caught in between. In a way, I hope time would pass more quickly, in hope of ending this constant late night studying that I'm undergoing, but at the same time, wishing that I had more time to revise on all my work. Gah, secondary 4 life.
On a lighter note, I've decided to save all my money up for a post-examinations shopping spree. :D I realised it makes me feel empty after I spend money on one or two shirts, and I go back home unsatisfied. I'm gonna spend all at one go! I can't wait, but oh no. What happens if I head down to get myself a mp3 player or another guitar. Then no more clothes. ): No no no, self control.
Is it me, or do I sound like.. a girl?!
Okay, next up, physics!
Replies to tags:Hello Sandy! Thanks for accompanying me down to the eye clinic that day. Thank you too, Fiona! I hope you're reading this, cause I'm very grateful for the company! (:Sarah and Felicia! (: Thanks for the encouragements, don't worry, I'll cope! (:Partner, youuu. You said you wouldn't be complex around me! Haha, keep your word! Glad to see you this week, and you know, we need a lengthly conversation sooooon! (:Edit-
Oh oh!
Manchester United won 5-1 yesterday! <3
Happy belated 100th post.So I've posted a century of posts ever since I started blogging, and yes, looking back, I've grown much. It wasn't so much as how I develop my thoughts, but rather, the amount of knowledge I have aquired over the past years. And I can safely say that I've matured quite a bit since my first days of secondary school years.
Even though I've come to make a habit out of pretending to be clueless at many situations/circumstances in certain stages of my life, I wasn't trying to run away or escape from anything at all. The reason is actually simple- that I refused to be sucked into the vortex of this harsh reality we're living in, and I prefered to lie deep, immersed in my very own thoughts. However, my way of handling my life are suffering from side effects clearly visible now. It's like taking drugs, I've gotten so used to dwelling in the hidden that it's been too frequent a place to be in these days. I guess there's a negative side to everything; the balance of life require positive and negative forces to cancel out each other. So I've exchanged the cruelty of truths for the relaxation of self-denials. And like quicksand, it's never-ending, and before I know it, I'd have been engulfed.
But given the chance to choose again, I'd have chosen the latter, still.
I guess it's like how the old saying goes, "Once bitten, twice shy." The many episodes and brushes with the lives of people that walk in and out of my life taught me there's no such thing as everlasting. Friction wears down the soles of our shoes, time wears out the bond of 'friendship'. As we build continuous bonds over and over again, a certain reaction will still take place, and a certain element/compound will disappear. If we look carefully, we can see the building blocks of life.. the toppling and the building.
Some people told me once, that the way I look at things are too negative, that I'll never be happy this way. Well, I can't argue with the former, but I beg to differ with the second part. I've experience great joys in this world, simple things like having a go at my friend's ego, or even a simple game of basketball. I've been happy, and yes, I've my downs too. But just like one of the messages in cell group goes, no one is without their valleys, and my valleys hardly strike a link with my way of thought. How I think and feel had not brought about more depressions than before, neither did it bring along more joys. What mattered was that I have a place to run away to, a secret world where I could talk and play with imaginaary friends, without worries, without constant pressure of the spinning globe of blue and green.
Or if you look at it in another way, you find it strangely familiar to the world.. of a little child.
A place where a lollipop meant the world to him, where tedious studies find no place in his heart. A place where he has imaginary friends, where he shapes the image of his perfect playmate exactly like how he wants them, to be like. Houses made of mouth-watering biscuit? Rivers of flowing dark chocolate? Isn't it uncanny that this place sound so much like paradise, & so much like heaven.
The gap between the living world and paradise, is but a single thought. (:
The storm's bad tonight,So how could I awake without you here?Your picture's on the wall,You haven't called,But I'll wait for you.Yay, Finch's my new love. Okay, yes, I've gotten over the disappointment and I'm out of the dumps. Thank you all for those encouragements and those attempts to make me smile or laugh, but sadly, it didn't work much. That result can't be changed, so.. I'll just let that scar remain and hope to erase it when the opportunity comes knocking again.
Grr, my throat's hoarse from shouting at mum's naggings. Oh yes, I postponed today's appointment with the eye doctor, I don't have to go to hospital alone. :D I don't want to, cause the hospital's a scary place, and I don't want to go alone. ): Yay, I hope I can postpone and postpone and postpone till next year. :D
The storm is letting up,But it won't die.If you weren't wrong, was I?Your picture still remains,But I wonder are you still the same?Amaths is 3/4 done, so I'mma start on physics anytime soon. Life's been a bitch these days, but it can't be helped. It's been struggle after struggle, and since everything crashes down all the time when things seemed to be in place, I'm amazed I'm alive and breathing.
If I could ever leave this place, I would. (:
Thank you, Karen & Annabeth. (:
And yes, thank you, Kelly!If only you apply those words into your life too. :D Okay, get well sooooon, girl! (:
10 points for O's? Don't make me laugh. You think too highly of yourself, hansheng.
Wake the hell up, look at your damn result.
---
Isn't it so amusing. We work our ass off to get As for common tests and such. And all we got was a B3. A plain, measly B3 worth no shit. And all those who find it hard to hit a B before got B3 easily, and most even got distinctions. Isn't it so amusing, the way fate play with our lives. Well, I'll work doubly hard, no, triply hard. I'll hit an A, I'll try. What's the worse that could happen, I'll just die trying.
What an amusing world.
And finally the silence,Looking out, looking back across the sky.Trying to find a meaning,Knowing that I just left it all behind.I can't believe I cried during 'Click'. Firstly, I don't ever cry during movies. Secondly, it was supposed to be a comedy, like what the hell. But yeah anyway, it's a show worth every penny, and it's so.. touching during the end.
I don't know why, but one thing I learnt this year, is to let out your feelings through tears. Even if it's damn gay for a guy to cry, since the June episode that I went through, it's hard to force them in. But yes, I really should stop this. Back to the cold, cold me.
It's a wonder how much difference one month could make. "Look at her, I can't believe you let her go. Just like that." True, huh. Sometimes in life, we just let secondary things take over our emotions. And that's what 'Click' was trying to tell the viewers. I really think it's a great movie. Heart-wrenching, and it speaks straight into my heart. About work, family , &
you.
Maths is pissing me off now. And I'm dead beat, I think I'll turn in soon. Maybe all this is a dream after all. Maybe it's like in the movie, I'll wake up and learn to appreciate everyone. Especially
you. Maybe, just maybe.
Still I smell a lingering softness.Where did she go,How did she go?I wanna wanna know.i wanna know that she'll be coming here to me.Yeah right, as if I'll ever have a chance to. Dream on, hansheng. Dream on.
Where'd all the good people go?I've been changing channels,I don't see them on the TV shows.And so, after all anguish and frustrations were released through screams-filled songs, they were put to an end by none other than.. the great Jack Johnson. (:
So yeah, today's not really fuitful, cause I realised I left my A-Maths TYS back in school and supervised study didn't go as planned. Actually, if I have to describe today, it'll be.. how I wandered aimlessly in a world of my own, in deep thought about how things may not appear as they may seem to be. No matter how many times I've said/seen it, it never fails to amuse me. This world really is one interesting place. How we live our lives, how everything is just.. a script, non-erasable.
Yes, I've been yelling out at how things have been. Everytime my eyes process what is in front of me, I feel a deep numbing inside. And I wonder, what is beauty? Beauty beyond inner and outer self, beauty beyond the trees and the birds, beauty beyond us. I guess after sixteen years, I still haven't gotten hold of that secret.
Where'd all the good people go?We got heaps and heaps of what we sow.Swelling's gone down quite a bit. It's freaky how I always get health-related issues whenever the saying "It never rains but pours" comes true. It's still pouring pretty heavily out there but for now, it's safe to venture out into the open. I'd better make it back quick, cause for some reason or another, I sense a heavier storm ahead as the prelims draw nearer.
Tough times. Aren't they being too frequent these days?
Happy Birthday, Qixin! <3
You've been a great friend these years, and I never would forget what you've done for me. You might not know, but little things like talking to me with that carefree tone of yours make my days brighter. And I've seen how you've gone through some rough patches, and I'm glad that since the day you accepted Christ, you've been so much more cheerful. You'll always be my 'mummy', and even though we've drifted much, I still wish you well in your passage through life. And I'll come to you to whine some other days! Till then, stay happy. (:
Happy Birthday, Sandy!
Hello there. I've known you for a year now, and you're a great sister in Christ. Even though you talk alot, and I don't cause it's in me to not so, I wouldn't want you to change. I'll try my best not to be 'dao' cause I never was, and I'm always quiet. Or in other cases, it's just me thinking too much and when I think, I don't think with my mouth. :D But yes, I'll talk more this week, I'll try to. In the meantime, keep smiling and be happy!
Actually, birthdays of old classmates like
Marsha and even
Amanda had just passed. And
Polly from tuition class. Well, they're friends I haven't met up/talked to for in a long while, and really, I don't want to let go of people in my life just like that. But that how life operates, people come and go in a blink of an eye. Some come back, some disappear forever. And all we can do, is to pray and hope they're doing fine. Yes, and grab hold of those that are truly close to the heart. Even if there're so few..
So few of them.
